The one thing I want more than you? To feel wanted.
I used to live in so much regret. I still do, but not as much. About 5 months ago I hit the pinnacle of my depression. I was spending my days alone googling methods of attempting suicide. I was writing suicide notes. I only wrote three. One for my brother, my best friend, and a woman I worked with. They were mostly full of instructions. I felt foreign, alone, abandoned, and worthless. The first time I saw my therapist she told me she was impressed that I was still alive. I thought that was a little dramatic of a statement, but I was in a very awful place. But to be completely honest, regardless of my circumstances and experiences, I allowed myself to get there. It was me who put myself there. One day, during some mundane event, I said to myself “I’m glad I didn’t kill myself before this happened”. And then I became hungry for more experiences where I felt this way. I made myself seek out those experiences or I created them myself. Instead of wanting to no longer live, I wanted to find things that made me grateful I was.
One of my best friends moved to Denver today.17 hours away. I used to kick myself for knowing her so long but only becoming really good friends within the last year. She is one of the most amazing people. But when she was leaving I was thinking about my friendship with her over the past year, and how grateful I was that it happened. Not that I spent a year in the same classroom as her and never talked to her.
Today I’m thinking to appreciate everything you have.
Find all the things that make you grateful you are alive.
Kiss all your friends. If you love someone tell them.
Go out of your way to invite new people into your life.
A year from now maybe you will be thinking
how grateful you are that it happened.